Why Sports Analytics Suck and Why they should Bring Steroids Back to Baseball

Why Sports Analytics Suck and Why they should Bring Steroids Back to Baseball

Remember how I said yesterday’s article would be available on time? Well, …it never happened. I woke up yesterday morning and for the first time in a long time had absolutely nothing to say. Maybe I was just tired? Who knows? Either way, today is a new day.

There are still no sports that anyone cares about on TV, and it’s beginning to drive me insane. Maybe it’s because I don’t have time to go to the beach this summer? Or maybe it’s because I’ve heard the G.O.A.T. argument between LeBron and Jordan one too many times? I don’t know the answer for sure, but I do know that we are in the dark days of summer.

With less than two months until the start of football, I can feel myself getting restless. The days have become hot and the ESPN and FS1 analysts have nothing new to talk about. They continue to drone on about the Clippers and the Lakers outlook every day, and I am just about over it. Half of the show hosts have begun to go on vacation. It makes sense considering free agency is all but done, and all that is left on television is baseball, which I and many other Americans couldn’t care any less about.

I wish I liked baseball because it seems to be the only major American sport during the summer months, but I have never taken to the sport. I’ve tried to watch it but have never been able to sit through more than three innings. The games drag on for brutal amounts of time. Maybe if they put the whole thing on a three-hour timer and began doling out steroids again then maybe I’d be interested. I used to watch baseball when I was younger. Back then, players walked around with round heads— a side effect from their juiced-up muscles– and could hit balls just under a thousand yards from the plate.

Yes, those were the days. The drama of steroid accusations and deception was enough to draw in a 6-year-old me for an entire summer. I miss the days of Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa. They may have cheated, but at least they made the sport feel interesting for a change.

Today, the sport has traded their captain America drugs in for analytics. Yes, before you get upset, every sport has adopted analytics, but baseball has taken it far beyond the limits of other sports. Baseball is almost entirely run by analytics departments these days, which is why every at-bat feels like a home run, walk or strikeout.

It makes sense that analytics dominates baseball because it started with the A’s. Or at least that’s what Money Ball has led me to believe. Analytics has turned sports into data-driven sciences. They are based on algorithms and statistics and it makes me sick.

Analytics appears in other sports, especially in the NBA, but it does not dominate in the same way that it does in the MLB. In the NBA, the most analytics-driven franchise, the Houston Rockets, has failed to win a championship. They failed to even come close this year, as a result, have traded away Chris Paul for an analytic nightmare in Russel Westbrook.

Baseball has become a nerdy sport. It’s all about the numbers and I refuse to get behind something so lifeless.

I need to get to the beach. I want to go to Port Aransas with a six-pack of Shiner and forget about batting averages and on-base percentages. If I could hide out in Port A until football season, then I would. Maybe one day I’ll have the resources to do that, but until then I’ll continuing pissing and moaning about my summers in Pennsylvania.

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